Saturday, November 26, 2011


prologue: "Ee ahmar presstar ine.
Hahn mahthon neh nehn
Hahn mahthon neh high
Ah hahn nohstohn ned 'wee-leeth"

A jolt of orange!
Unmindful of the unacquainted-ness of the two pairs of corneas
Sheltered behind the refuge of dark fibre,
Makes its ubiquity felt.
Almost peremptory- its brilliance
Hurls a schizophrenic mind out of its confines;
One peerless effulgence.

Conversations sway out of focus as the voices etiolate;
The relentless eurobeats asphyxiate each other;
And silence laughs amidst a crowded saturninity-
" You're in again, Dear old Boy!"
A ring of truth takes ground,
And resistence enervates.
Consciousness turns into quicksand,
Swallowing the nebulous mind.
Today and tomorrow wrestle each other into a hash.
Yesterday screams "antediluvian!"

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Of Being Perceived as 'Complicated' and The Importance of Being Earnest

Oscar Wilde once wrote, "I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked" (Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2). And indeed, the grand old wise man that Mr.Wilde is, he could. And for that matter, you and me, or anybody else. And as I've only very recently been taught, rather painfully I must acknowledge, people do; even so when you're convinced they won't ever. But that is not the subject of my essay- not tonight at least. No. Tonight, I want to look back at my own experiences and find out, if at all, what exactly is so intense(and complicated, as someone apparently has recently termed me in a fit of denial) about being earnest.

Now, I know I'm running extremely high risks of appearing narcissistic in quoting myself, but one thing I've often said about myself in talking to another very earnest (sorry S, since the world seems to take that word as less than a compliment) soul, is that I am nothing if not earnest. And I am... to the very core. That is one piece of characteristics I pride in myself, if I may say so myself. But, how does one be earnest without being honest to one's self? And here I am afraid, is where it gets a wee bit messy. When you are really, truly honest to yourself and your emotions, there is bound to be some amount of contradictions and paradoxes. Emotions are not logical, rather spontaneous. And spontaneity isn't exactly orderly, is it? So, you are bound to make a few errors of judgement, take a few steps overwhelmingly and act desperate. And people will frown, make no mistake about that. But is it a bad thing at all? Does it deserve being marginalized and abandoned and ignored, by one's closest and dearest? Well, I suppose it depends. Sometimes complicated, complex and deep can mean someone thinks things through, but says little and only when they feel certain of its value. That's a good thing because it inherently pushes quality over quantity of speech. On the other hand, thinking too much, no matter how deep, often ends up as unproductive overanalysis or excessive commentary on every thought. This can be okay, but it can yield less results for the undue stress it can cause the thinker, and the people around them. OCD is a good example of a type of uncontrollable overthinking that often goes in circles and can be less effective than 'underthinking' in many cases.

It is also a justifiable assumption that feelings can be suppressed by extreme adherence to logical thought. This seems like it wouldn't be a bad thing (logic is after all, a basic way to derive structure from the sensory world), but the human mind often creates its own false logic with too much thought, so what should be sequential thoughts with a valid result often becomes false reasoning to an invalid conclusion. Gut feelings and emotions are an important part of decision making because they come from basic instincts that are there for a reason (survival, reproduction, quick action in emergencies, and so on). Overthinking actions can dull a person's common sense and hurt social productivity which is an important part of life.

Speaking from a personal viewpoint, I prefer to talk to people who at least try to dive past the basics of any given topic, but personality complexity and 'deepness' don't always result in an amiable personality or the ability to be outwardly deep. The smartest people may not even be able to convey their thoughts without overstating them, and eventually contradicting themselves or understating them by not saying where the results came from. I guess what I'm saying is that complexity and deepness are only a good thing when combined with a personality that can convey those aspects properly. Unfortunately, more often than not, they end up being a social blockade because good communication is not a prerequisite for intelligence, wisdom, complexity, and depth.

Now, please don't get me wrong. I am not tirading against anyone. Nor am I acting in self defense. I am simply trying to think of a reason, as to why after nearly a decade of being the closest of persons would one of them suddenly doubt the other's very integrity and motifs? So far as to wonder out aloud whether or not the other one is at all harmless? I mean, having been through as much as two persons have been through, I somehow find it very unsettling that one of the persons concerned could so easily doubt the other's very soul. Is it really possible, that someone, having once made you the very matter of her affection, could all of sudden begin to wonder whether you are capable of sabotaging her life? Yes, when you lose someone close to your heart it shakes you, to the very core of your existence. Some people kill themselves, some cry and get over, some shrug and move on, and still others like me continue to love the one who is long gone. And an experience as intense as that leaves its mark. You can't help but show signs of weakness, at least at some bleak moments of your life. The fact that for some of us those moments come more often than with others notwithstanding, it is by no means a sign that our weakness is a judgement directed at the other one. If I drink and can't stop crying, it means I love someone helplessly. To even be capable of thinking that I drink and cry to blame the object of my affection of pushing me towards annihilation is something that is at once abhorrent and abominable to me. A blasphemy, if you will. But when that thought occurs to the very person you pine over, is nothing less than a bullet through the heart. A murderous event so far as the human heart and humane faith is concerned. God! I am weak, yes! As are all who drink to get through bad days. But to be capable of so much pessimism... is 'weak' a strong enough epithet to describe that?

But what do I know? Right? Someone very close to my being, recently wrote in a mail to me, describing himself and me as being the kind of people who would rather die than deny, if the denial would so much as cause someone close to us a blush. Apparently, not a quality that is being held in high regards these days. But it is not universal approval I am after. To slightly re-create Shakespeare's famous lines, "I am here to bury my weakness. Not praise it." Times change, people change... and things may look different tomorrow. But I just felt it was worth re-thinking our convictions once in a while. It is surprising just how far people will go, how much they'll turn their backs on just to win public approval. Just to fit in, and be tagged 'good boys and good girls'. What I do wonder is, just how far is being 'normal' and 'acceptable' worthwhile, if you have to lie to yourself? Is it still worth the hype, if you have to deny what you at your most private moments consider to be not 'unfair'? I will never know. So let me close this with another quote by Mr.Wilde:

"Gwendolen - Cecily - it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind."

~~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2~~

Friday, November 4, 2011

From Music to Muzak

There are songs that transport me back to when I was a long haired teenager who was so in love with a gorgeous girl. I would listen to this kind of music wondering how such an 'out my league' girl could ever be mine.... as you get older you learn to appreciate any girl despite her looks, and music like this helps you to regard women who love you with the same excitement of your youth. Lines like these:

"I know I could've saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways"...

they are enough to get me through my worst days.

I love reliving the best period of my life like this! And remember those days, when music used to be good, rockstars ruled the world, musicians didn’t care whether they looked contemplative, ‘auto-tune’ was a taboo and love was forever. And Europe, Whitesnake, Van Halen, Poison, Pink Floyd, Scorpion and Guns and Roses were the staple diet of the soul. But then the 80s and 90s ended, and to the horror of music lovers Rap and Hip-Hop and Justin Bieber and Britney Spears happened- they all looked the same, dressed the same, and sang the same rhythm-less, soulless, substance-less, machine-generated nonsense- and right in front of our eyes ( or perhaps ears) music became an endangered species.Muzak was born (sigh). The only reason that people still believe in music is because a rare few of the 80s Greats are still around... Scorpions, Aerosmith, Europe... they are the ones who have made the last two decades at least bearable. To think that I was born in 86, the year that saw such classics as Living on a Prayer, Final Countdown, Only Lonely, I’ll Cry for You and Every Rose has It’s Thorns! Astrology and horoscopes can wait in que... you don’t need them to tell I was destined to be who I am :-) . Boy, don’t I live in the wrong frigging times...

So, I had a rough day, and the sun went down like a bad dream. And now, here I am...listening to Poison... and my spirit lifts. You’ve got to listen to this to know what I’m talking about. No auto-tuning, no voice-syncing or studio enhancements... just pure vocals and sheer guitar magic... so slow, yet so hard... Old school Rock ! This one’s called Every Rose Has It’s Thorns... ( here's the link : )

We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to her favourite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say love's a game of easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could let you know somehow
I guess

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar will remain

I know I could've saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

and now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Or, if that does not do it for you (all the time), and like me you've got this insatiable urge to kiss the air, hug the winds, and just talk to the skies about your heart's deepest desires, you can always tune into Europe's classic soul rock I'll Cry For You ( link: )

I'll Cry for You

I never dreamed that
I could fall
But something's come
Over me
Now I'm sittin' starin'
At the wall
Afraid for my sanity

The sound of your voice
The touch of your skin
It's hauntin' me
I'm still tryin' to come
To my senses
But I can't look back
So I'm takin' my chances

I wanna give you my heart
Give you my soul
I wanna lay in your arms
Never let go
Don't wanna live my
Life without you
But I know when you're gone
Like a fire needs a spark
Like a fool in the dark
I'll cry for you

Wonderin' why I'm
Runnin' scared
From what I belive in
I know that love
Is just another word
To say what I'm feelin'

For once in my life
The future is mine
It's callin' me
I've been searchin' so long
For an answer
But it's too late now
So I'm takin' my chances

As long as I can fall back on such melodies... I'll always find a way out, no matter how dark it gets. Thank God, for Rock.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Even the Goddesses live in Denial

All I can... all I could... all I was... all I tried to be, and all that I couldn't be... all that has led life to this point where I am forced to ask myself, was any of it EVER real? Did yesterday even exist, or did I just make it all up? I have been recollecting... since the last four days, my mind has only gone over certain lines... over and over, as if trying to find some clue to derive order out of this chaos that my Goddess has so abjectly thrown me into, amidst thoughts of greater minds....

"All is a riddle, and the key to a another riddle."
~~Ralph Waldo Emerson~~

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself -- that my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror."

~~Jacques Rigaut~~

"When love is in excess, it brings a man no honor, nor worthiness."

~~ Euripides ~~

"A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses. It is an idea that possesses the mind."

~~Robert Oxton Bolton~~

"The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I, or the others crazy?"

~~ Albert Einstein~~

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

~~Harriet Beecher Stowe~~

"A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know."

~~Diane Arbus~~

"This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or I don't want to walk around angry. Or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go."

~~Jennifer Jareau~~

"Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were."

~~Marcel Proust~~

"We all wear masks and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing our own skin."

~~André Berthiaume~~

“Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse for impossibility, for it thinks all things are lawful for itself and all things are possible.”

~~Thomas A. Kempis~~

"I believe humanity was born from conflict. Maybe that's why in all of us lives a dark side. Some of us embrace it. Some have no choice. The rest of us fight it. And in the end, it's as natural as the air we breathe. Some point, we're forced to face the truth...ourselves.

~~ Penelope Garcia~~

"No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks."

~~Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley~~

"What really raises one's indignation against suffering is not suffering intrinsically, but the senselessness of suffering."

~~Frederich Nietzsche~~

“Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game.”

~~Paul Rodriguez~~

"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet, tomorrow is too often a repetition of today."

~~James T. McKay~~

"The secret to getting away with lying is believing with all your heart, that goes for lying to yourself even moreso than lying to another."

~~Elizabeth Bear~~

"Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false naming of real events."

~~Adrienne Rich~~

"Bring the past only if you're going to build from it."

~~Doménico Cieri Estrada~~

That's a lot of quotes. But then again, there's a lot of chaos...