Monday, August 2, 2010

Of Traps and Tribulations

So I read the R Trap. Nicely done! "More often than not, we are likely to find ourselves in a labyrinth where the factor that proved to be the foundation of one relationship turned out to be the undoing of another." very true. But I can't help thinking that possessiveness, and the urge to deny that you are with , well for lack of a better word,someone "used" is at the bottom of it all. If only we accepted that all yesterdays come from some tomorrow things could be better. What keeps surprising me is for just how large a majority of us, 'faithfulness' is such a hyperbolic and super-inflated concept. And in strange ways too! Every single one seem to have his/her own definition of faithfulness, and moreover a mere disagreement over the definitions is enough to have you tagged as a person both undeserving and incapable of faith, 'the unfaithful'. You can most certainly avoid being tagged but at what cost? How do you prove your faith? Being faithful to one person, at least by this definition of 'faithful', will essentially mean being 'unfaithful' to a large number of others. Being faithful to you present will essentially entail a complete rift from your past, that necessary portion of history which makes you what you are.
"...the months and weeks that have spanned these two years have found me doing a variety of two things, which I have realized, people (especially men) who are out of a relationship do - returning to places which bring back memories, re-reading the couple of emails or text messages left, trying to remember sweet words of yore over a couple of drinks or three and so forth."

Being faithful to one aspect of your life, say your 'relationship', will demand marginalizing all the other aspects of it. For under this strict and uncompromisable definition of 'faith', the object of 'faith' must come second to none and nothing, irrespective of the circumstances. Thus your old friend might have had to witness a parental break-up, but you are not supposed to talk to her, because the object of your 'faith' demands that you contemplate the beauty of the moon, and make plans about children to come in approximately a decades time(if they at all do). You might have a test to take next morning and yet you are supposed to stay up the whole night, or not resent being woken every half an hour, discussing the quintessential features of a successful relationship. All for 'faith'. For if we don't have 'faith', how are we different from the animals, right?

I have walked through darkness and uncertainty, pain and doubts for six long years. And I have never once resented that. Never asked "why me". Every time I came close to something that nearly broke me, and yet didn't, as if to leave me for some sport for next time,I emerged stronger, clearer. Each time it answered some more of the questions that crowded my mind. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. No one gives a damn what you've been through. They only expect you to be strong, to go through it, to use it as a learning experience. And then, once it has been learned, you are supposed to pretend it never happened. When you emerge stronger, you are not supposed to use the strength to pursue anything. Pursuit of Happiness is just some idea of Benjamin Franklin, to make movies about, to weep when you see Will Smith at it, but never to follow. The moment you pursue, you are not being 'faithful'. 'Faithfulness', essentially, is something static, something stagnant. Like the surface of the still lake, you are not supposed to send ripples through it. It's like a big, happy house, you get in and close the door on the world. Lest some of the happiness slips out. You throw out all the old clothes, divide up all the pictures, cut the old people out, sell your muscle car, lock up the old stamp book, and pretend that there never was any 'yesterday'. All for faith. Else you're a 'fallen'.

Angels are bright still
Though the brightest fell
But how do you know,
He lost any of his brightness in falling?

===D.H. Lawrence===


Anonymous said...

Strong words, Sayantan and I will not pretend I understand fully. Maybe, I will never - and you can hardly accuse me of lack of attempts to understand for whether the ambit is phonology, life, relationships or sex, 'understanding' - or attempts towards it - is the least I expect from myself.

I have certain clarifications to make regarding how 'I' had used faith in my post (not that you demanded explanation, yet still): you're right, Faith can be anything and everything, one thing for one and another for another. But by Faith, I was exclusively referring in my post to resumption of life - by which I mean, again, the ability to own one's mistakes (does not matter if others do not want to!), see one's immediate responsibilities, work hard and be something, not for what it entails to your family, social status or what jibed insult - the most honourable kind, yes - it will be to an ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend but for the value of something itself.

Secondly, just because you move forward it does not mean everything in the past HAS to be denied. I do not think I have ever pronounced, in that post or elsewhere, a relationship between going forward and dumping memories. Indulge in them, by all means, but to your expense? If you say yes to that Sam, please go ahead: it is a CHOICE you're making, yes only arguably forced upon you by the acid clouds and eagles hovering about, but you can turn around and say, "I know there waves will keep coming back but I have other paths to traverse" or keep being stuck in the same place.
And nobody is asking you to PRETEND something never happened. Nobody has asked me to and I will NEVER do it. All that your well-wishers have asked you, I believe, as mine did to me was to move on so that life dictates terms. In course you will realise, without effort from your end, that these things take second priority - which again does not mean they are less precious; it just means "flux" is constant and there's no point saying, "I will not change." I have been there done that brother! And I can tell you, not because others says so because I KNOW it, it is not worth it. Hold onto certain things fast: principles, for instance, aims, for another, but sorry to be brutal - Love should hardly rank with them. Plus nobody knows what it means or entails anyway!

As I said: I do not totally understand what you're saying through this post but I empathise with your situation and have the Faith - and this is not faith towards one parochial cause or relationship but Faith that takes the form of common hope and love for humanity at large - that you can put the vicissitudes behind if only you listen to your vibes for a while, not get too worked up, and follow whatever you should.

Sorry if I have come on too strongly. It bleeds me to see people - including me - 'frittering' time over women who will never be; the same thing applies to women who fret and fume over men who gave false promises. They are precious, as memories; write poetry, celebrate at nights, have a few drinks but understand that life has a lot more. I have moved on (and this time no messing around): I HAVE MOVED ON. I will not say she did not deserve me or I did not deserve her. It does not matter. What matters is I mean business... And I am back. So will you!

Anonymous said...

and one more thing (a discursive point): the problem with you, and I have told my mom the same, is that you have strict interpretations and definitions for everything. I am not saying you SHOULD NOT for then I lead you into the same "ought-ness" I would like you to avoid but then many who have lived with black and white as their only hues in life has to face a lot, not the least the Frankensteinian power of their own extremities!

Life is not only about the grey, the shades of yellow and a dapper of green, but it is ALSO about these. Anybody who CLAIMS that (s)he lives a perfect life is either naive or a joke or a bit of an upstart. Sometimes, we need to listen to life rather than asking it to listen to us. That is NOT compromise, that is adaptation. That is all that I wish to say regarding "uncompromisable definition" of faith too. I had no such notion in my post. Faith is not statistics to grade it in terms of scalar adjustments; it is something that is felt and therefore cannot be absolute or objective!



Bro, i was not directed at you! I was pissed with a local friend who had been bugging me about Lily for quite some time now.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, ok. As I said: I did not say it was directed at me, but just wanted to state my position - ambivalent as it might have been. Tell whomseover this friend is not to trouble himself/herself with details about her - good, bad, or ugly.

It is okay - I KNOW it is hard - if some people mistake you now, but be firm. It will count, big, one day, soon! :-)

vision said...

With out being judgemental, i should compliment the post for its brutal honesty.Leave the definition of faith.As in the case of many other words, this word also will have different meanings and connotations depending upon the people involved and the circumstances.Having said that, it is easy to decipher that words do not convey to one and all the same thing. If that be the case why ruminate or get glued to a perfect meaning for it and get bogged down by it.
Your post signifies to me an individual who has a lot of potential to lead others and hence this return mail from me..make use of your own abilities to be a model to the rest.The world will be at your feat.Life will then be better to live, not for your own self alone, but for the host of others with you too....

Ever yours sincerely


Dear Vision,

Thanks for those encouraging words, although I'm not sure how much I deserve such high accolades. I have never wanted to be a leader, let alone have the world at my feet. If, however, I ever get to the point where I can actually be of some guidance's worth t someone,I shall consider myself blessed. As for my own abilities, I was, untill recently, unsure of having any. Thanks to someone I have had the good fortune of knowing, I have some idea of who I am, now. Thanks for shwing such faith in someone you've never met.

confessions of a hitman

vision said...

I do not know whether you believe in God.But it is said that God presents himself at the most appropriate time through people who do bring about a change in theway we look at things and the way in which we react to the events around us.Possibly a god send some one has helped you to have a relook at the whole thing. Let me assure you, this is only the beginning and the ascent for you is already on.I need not know you personally , infact not knowing you personally give the added liberty of being honest in what i wanted to convey.A man or for that matter a woman is represented by their words spoken or written and that is suffice for me to have conveyed to you what i thought would be the future in store for you.All the best.Enjoy this moment and the trust i am reposing in you.


Well, even I don't know if I believe in God. I know I don't believe in what man says about God. But I do believe in something beyond my intellect and reasoning... something big, and may be good. My mind tells me I don't understand what that is, and my faith tells me I am not meant to, and that's the beauty of it. I do believe though, that help is always given to those who ask for it, always. And if the reason, or the cause of that is God, then yes, I do believe in God. I don't have words to express what the 'trust' you reposed in me means to me, especially now. All I can say is I will do my best to live up to it. I guess that's about all one can do; give in your very best,don't live any stone unturned, any way unexplored, and then smile at whatever comes out of it. I will always be grateful for your gesture.