In Memorium

R.I.P.

SAYANTAN MANDAL
BORN: MARCH 24, 1986
DIED: FEBRUARY 10, 2006

far from grace... yet so far from Hell's gates

Broken fingers, a twisted elbow, a messed up left leg, a few scratched ribs, and a crippled Yamaha! Yesterday... yesterday was close. The closest I have ever come... and yet Death passed me by. I saw Him... looked Him in the eyes. He shook his head and smiled, a cold, heartless, mocking smile. And the wind whispered for him: " A short stop, and an easy end? Not for you brother... I want you to miss her some more..."

no need to say goodbye...

I am numb. But I know I owe you my silence. I failed you once...I will not fail again. This time I will do the right thing... This time your wellbeing will come before mine. As for me, I dont't know...I really don't know. What do I want?... lol... the story of my life, WHAT DO I WANT by SAYANTAN MANDAL; whiskey on the rocks, a smoke, unlimited ammo and a license to kill, the past five years undone... but right now, right here, I want you more than anything else.. to hold you...to kiss you... to feel your hair on my face... once again. The wonder of the world is gone I know for sure... all the wonders that I knew I found in you. But sweetheart, don't you worry... I am stronger than before. And I am strong enough to do the right thing, the only thing I can do, the only thing I can give you now... my complete silence. I have your memories... they tell me that at one point you were mine... you really were all mine.Only problem is, the memories don't answer when I call your name. God!! it hurts... but that's okay. Don't you worry, honey. I know who I am now. It's my destiny to bleed for you... and if my eyes don't, my heart will. But I will smile love... for your sake. You will never see my blood, this I promise you. I will wipe out my blood with my tears, and smile for you. You mean the world to me, and I will never be the source of anything negative for you. As for my happiness, well... I am happy for you, if you are. Beyond that it's just dust in the winds. Oh I will live. Don't worry about that. I will live, do my linguistics, my phonology, and do it well. But no matter where I go, who I become,what I achieve, I will always be incomplete. When the sun sets, it will all have meant nothing. But I will do them all nonetheless; live my life, do my phonology, carry on my research, and do them to the best of my abilities... Only to get emperical evidence for what I already know... without you, my love, I am a deadman walking. I have been dead so long... since the day I lost you, the sun never came back up. But sweetheart, honey, darling... my love... I love you... I love you so very much... way too much to come in the way of your life... to cause you any dilemma. I loved you then...and I have never stopped loving you... Lord knows I can't. I will miss you my love... I will howl for you on those sleepless nights... and the very hope that you are out there, somewhere, smiling, maybe thinking of me at times, will make those sobs sweeter than any music on earth... cause, honey, I love you so very much...I love you... I love you... I love you... I will always love you... forever and a day...

a promise sealed with blood and tears

I will miss you... I will love you... and it will hurt, till the last day of my accursed existence. But I am not gonna show you that. I am gonna smile...for you... I owe you this my love. I am destined to bleed for you... and if my eyes don't, my heart will. only blood can purge my pain, wash away my loss, take away this curse that is my life

never been a right time to say good bye

Why did my eyes swim in tears
when you said good-bye?

Why did my face shed its vigorous smile
like an abused child?

Why did I frown like a king
without a crown?

Why did my heart wander in the loneliness
of a motherless chick?

Why do I feel drenched like a homeless hawk,
on a leaflesss tree in the rain?

What does good-bye mean?
Does it really mean
we aren't gonna see each other ever again?

silent screams

This is simple... really!
I mean, how hard can it be?
Across 7 inches of ply,
and border of two iron arms.
On a lazy February morning,
Wrapped in the last of the dying winter's fading fog,
across 7 inches of ply;
It's the silence that's chilling,
that's filling the space between with vacuum;
An impenetrable wall of uncomfortable twitching.
But, how hard can it be?
Across 7 inches of ply...

recollections on a dying winter's afternoon...

someday...someday I will walk down that road that eludes me so often...eludes me, yet calls out in the enchanting voice with their claims of solitude and promises of anonymity... someday I will walk the familiar streets of that unvisited city where all the yesterdays seem to have taken refuge... someday, I will listen to that unheard song that have kept me awake so many nights.... someday, I will walk by those unfamiliar strangers and think of those old faces that crowded my memories...someday, I will leave these streets where I had skinned my knees and elbows and take the forbidden road... and away from friends and family rediscover what I let go...what I lost..what lost me... someday I will feel all that I have felt... again...someday, I'll think of all that I have thought...all that I've known....loved...hated...liked...lost... and that day....someday...there will be no more regrets...the memories won't sting anymore... that day...I will have come full circle...someday, I'll come to terms...with what has been...what is...with myself...someday... when I've come full circle...I'll be home...someday…