gone with the wind

It's Death again – He's always there –
Watching, waiting, with a stare.
Every time I look behind,
Or reach to pull the window blind,
I catch a glimpse of grubby hood –
A little clue to where he stood:
The glint of light that caught the scythe.
Perhaps if I could pay a tithe…
But oh, no use, he'll never go –
The adamant phantom – don't you know,
He will but wait until it's time –?
For me to hear His fateful chime –
The toll that's only meant for me,
To say: 'You're next, it has to be…
And anyway, why do you care?
She is long gone;
Let me take you to a better place'

when the fears subside... shadows still remain

An underlying sense of counting down –
A rhythm deep: enteric thuds –
Each another year to fret and frown
About, wading in the claggy muds
Of trial – to here, the blackened life.

A glint of blade had caught a baggy eye,
Sparking thoughts to jump the fence.
Could I grasp the handle – was I shy
Of what I had to do and hence remain
Enshrined in overwhelming strife?

The metal winked at me again
To beg the possibility
Of halting once and all the pain
To relish an eternity

Of rested shoulders,
Peace of mind;
So here, my wrist
For ‘quick and kind.


* mark slaughter

ask not for whom the bell tolls...

Suicide
It's all i think about
Suicide
Can't get it out
Suicide
So hard to resist
Suicide
resist the urge to slit my wrist
Suicide
wishing i had a gun
Suicide
all i have is a small razor
Suicide
so i drag the blade across my legs and arms
Suicide
wishing to do myself much more harm
Suicide
and i wake soaked in blood
Suicide
cuts all over my body
Suicide
and im still somehow alive
Suicide
deep and long so much blood lost
Suicide
how am i still here?
Suicide
I really need a gun
Suicide
one day... one day
Suicide

live n let die

Death is in the flower's heart – don't
Ever cry for life of any petal

Death in purple ink of weary pens: the
Written yearnings on her scented paper

Death is laughing in my head; the
Beating heart disclosing from a sleeve

Death ignores the plight of any purity – He
Doesn't care or seem to be aware

Of what the dewy eye desires, for
Death beckoned: 'Embrace the jar! '

And yes, I shall – for Death of course.
No other woman can open up these chains

And greet me with a kiss, so
Death became my bliss.

Confessions

There... you've taken the only luxury I had; fading into oblivion... death. But I guess, word spoken is a word given. DOn't worry honey, this time around, I'll do the right thing... no matter what!

In Memorium

R.I.P.

SAYANTAN MANDAL
BORN: MARCH 24, 1986
DIED: FEBRUARY 10, 2006

far from grace... yet so far from Hell's gates

Broken fingers, a twisted elbow, a messed up left leg, a few scratched ribs, and a crippled Yamaha! Yesterday... yesterday was close. The closest I have ever come... and yet Death passed me by. I saw Him... looked Him in the eyes. He shook his head and smiled, a cold, heartless, mocking smile. And the wind whispered for him: " A short stop, and an easy end? Not for you brother... I want you to miss her some more..."

no need to say goodbye...

I am numb. But I know I owe you my silence. I failed you once...I will not fail again. This time I will do the right thing... This time your wellbeing will come before mine. As for me, I dont't know...I really don't know. What do I want?... lol... the story of my life, WHAT DO I WANT by SAYANTAN MANDAL; whiskey on the rocks, a smoke, unlimited ammo and a license to kill, the past five years undone... but right now, right here, I want you more than anything else.. to hold you...to kiss you... to feel your hair on my face... once again. The wonder of the world is gone I know for sure... all the wonders that I knew I found in you. But sweetheart, don't you worry... I am stronger than before. And I am strong enough to do the right thing, the only thing I can do, the only thing I can give you now... my complete silence. I have your memories... they tell me that at one point you were mine... you really were all mine.Only problem is, the memories don't answer when I call your name. God!! it hurts... but that's okay. Don't you worry, honey. I know who I am now. It's my destiny to bleed for you... and if my eyes don't, my heart will. But I will smile love... for your sake. You will never see my blood, this I promise you. I will wipe out my blood with my tears, and smile for you. You mean the world to me, and I will never be the source of anything negative for you. As for my happiness, well... I am happy for you, if you are. Beyond that it's just dust in the winds. Oh I will live. Don't worry about that. I will live, do my linguistics, my phonology, and do it well. But no matter where I go, who I become,what I achieve, I will always be incomplete. When the sun sets, it will all have meant nothing. But I will do them all nonetheless; live my life, do my phonology, carry on my research, and do them to the best of my abilities... Only to get emperical evidence for what I already know... without you, my love, I am a deadman walking. I have been dead so long... since the day I lost you, the sun never came back up. But sweetheart, honey, darling... my love... I love you... I love you so very much... way too much to come in the way of your life... to cause you any dilemma. I loved you then...and I have never stopped loving you... Lord knows I can't. I will miss you my love... I will howl for you on those sleepless nights... and the very hope that you are out there, somewhere, smiling, maybe thinking of me at times, will make those sobs sweeter than any music on earth... cause, honey, I love you so very much...I love you... I love you... I love you... I will always love you... forever and a day...

a promise sealed with blood and tears

I will miss you... I will love you... and it will hurt, till the last day of my accursed existence. But I am not gonna show you that. I am gonna smile...for you... I owe you this my love. I am destined to bleed for you... and if my eyes don't, my heart will. only blood can purge my pain, wash away my loss, take away this curse that is my life